Well, I was born and raised in Guayaquil, and I LOVE her, I couldn't live in other city in the world. Here is my personal view of Guayaquil. Maybe people from other places won't understand this, but people who have lived, visited, or known Guayacos (also called Guayaquileños, people from Guayaquil) may understand it, or maybe they won't. Any way this is how I see it.
Guayaquil is a city "accelerated" in every sense of the word. But life has a very own and the people here do things his way. maybe ... Different?, Special?. What you need to know is that first of all, before all, before anything and above any flag inherited or imposed, we are, were and always will be Guayaquileños.
Living in Guayaquil (and Ecuador in General) may be a Dangerous task if you don't know some simple rules that we take for granted in everyday life. That's not exclusive to Living here, anyway you go you may be killed if you try to behave as you do when you're Home, some examples:
* In India Look at a Cow and Say "Yummy, I want a Hamburger"
* In Canada Ask for Imported Beer.
* In the States when stopped by a Police officer step out of your car, with your beer bottle in one hand and a gun in the other and shout insults at him (preferably with a minority or foreign accent).
* In Colombia (preferably Medellin), walk in the streets.
* In Irak (or Iran) wear a I Love USA T-Shirt.
* And so on....
Although some of this stuff may seam funny, please take them seriously while you're here. But One rule to always keep in mind is IF YOU ARE AN OUTSIDER, PEOPLE WILL KNOW IT, so Don't try to act as a Native until you have the experience.
Guayaquileños are kind people, very friendly and open, but if you give a sense of being lost, there's a high probability that We'll try to play a trick or cheat you, This is done not from being Bad, but for fun, so don't get angry. If you play a trick on us we won't get angry with you, we'll get angry with ourselves for letting you cheat us.
This comes from the mentality of "El Sabido" (The "smart" guy), El Sabido likes to be the winner always, break the rules, always wins, etc. But the key here is that he does it for the satisfaction more than for the benefit he can get on doing it. There are 2 ways on winning a Sabido. The first one is dangerous and I don't advice it for beginners. This is to be More Sabido than the other Sabido, I won't give details for this, because if you are Sabido enough to do it then you don't need to be told how. The other way is to take the fun out of being Sabido (remember the motivation is being wiser than another Sabido). El Cojudo (The Dumb guy) is the one that gets tricked by El Sabido, if you approach another guy Haciendose el Cojudo (pretending to be Dumb), He won't be motivated to cheat you (what's the fun on cheating a dumb guy), instead he'll help you (remember we are kind and friendly people). Don't feel dumb when you do this, because Hacerse el Cojudo is one of El Sabido's favorite tricks.
Also BEWARE when someone comes to you Haciendose el Cojudo, because he might be a disguised Sabido.
The concept of El Sabido gives birth to another Principle which I call "Cold War Principle". During the cold war years, USA and USSR knew that going into a direct war could bring disaster to humankind. We Guayaquileños accept that, knowing that a full confrontation between 2 people could end up more times in dead or severe physical injury than not. That's why most confrontations stop at the verbal or minor physical level. For example 2 people driving a car start to shout, the typical things, as that both will invite the other to fight, remember meeting each others mommy last night in a motel, stop the car and act as if they're going to get out to fight, but usually this stops there with one telling the other that he has pity of hitting him and the other one that he's a chicken (Peace with honor). Very few times one hits the other once, and the other chickens or hits him hard and the first one chickens. But please stop there. A bigger confrontation while very likely turn up with one or both severely injured or dead. A big percentage of people carry some kind of weapon, knifes, machetes, pipes, clubs, guns, etc and are prepotent. This and the pepudos (strong guys) are the ones that will most likely start a full confrontation, and even if you carry a better weapon (shot gun, automatic rifle), it's not polite to kill another guy for a stupid argument, unless you must have to.
1.- When Someone TeCaga (defeats you), making you look like a cojudo, accept the defeat, don't get angry.
2.- El que se pica pierde (the one that gets mad looses). In an argument keep cool, you can shout, fight shoot, etc, but don't get mad.
3.- When Buying anything always Bargain, even if the price is lower than what you intended to pay. Start with a ridiculous offer. For example, if you're asked for $10 Dollars offer them $5. If he accepts at once (rare) don't buy it. Maintain your original price, usually they'll start offering you say $9,50, $8,50, and they'll stop at their first "last price" (say $5). At that moment go away, they'll tell another "last price" (e.g. $3,50) offer them something less (say $2,50) and you'll finish up in a middle price (say $3). I just saved you $7 Dollars, e-mail me so I can tell you how to give me 50% of it (my commission)
4.- Never use the mail, Anything you send by mail will get lost. Or arrive 2 years later.
* Driving in Guayaquil can be a really pleasant experience once you get the feeling. International Traffic Laws (and some physical laws) don't apply when driving here, so please read this before you sit in a car.
* Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the right of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the left, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
* Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
* Adherence to International Road Rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
* We don't have street lights, you may see some that look like that in the intersections, but they really are Christmas lights that someone forgot to take out.
We have a different meaning for the street lights.
a.- Yellow: Accelerate and pass before it turns to red.
b.- Green : Stop and see both sides before passing, someone may be passing the red light.
c.- Red: In Ecuador you MUST stop in a red light. Specific exceptions are made only in the following cases: You are going to turn right, you are going to turn left, you are going to go straight, someone's honking behind you, you just feel like passing.
* Traffic Signs: Most Traffic signs are there for people to take them out for home decoration, They also work very well for making barbecue (just strip the paint before cooking). Somehow Stop signs are obeyed, but in a different way. If you have a stop sign, you must honk twice (or flash your lights) and proceed, If the Stop sign is in the crossing street, you must reduce speed, listen for any honking and then proceed. In any intersection, the one that honks first or the one who hits the break last has the right of pass.
* The road sign "YIELD" or a flashing yellow light have no meaning. You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.
* Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
* If you hit a pedestrian, run away. If you can't do it in your car do it running. People will most likely try to lynch you, specially if it was his fault. If someone approaches you shoot him and keep running.
* If you Crash into a house, leave the car there, people will take care of it, and put a chain so you can't take it out until you pay for the damage.
* Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just wakeup a dozing donkey in the middle of the road.
* Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while driving, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
* Traffic police are called Buitres (vultures). They are not meant to direct traffic, prevent accidents or any of those nonsense. They work for The CTG, Comercial de Transito del Guayas (Guayas Traffic Commerce), and their main job is to Collect money and produce traffic jams.
* If stopped by a Buitre, shout at it "Estas Mal Buitre" (you're wrong Vulture), no matter what he tells you. Any way he'll try to get money from you. Don't tell it you're not breaking any rule (that's not the point), tell it that all the other drivers are doing the same so why is he bugging you. If it doesn't want to come into reason, give him money (usually around $2-$5 will do). But if you are lucky and shout a lot he'll just let you go after insulting you.
* NEVER, NEVER, get into a Police car when instructed to. No matter what they tell you. They'll frame you and accuse you of anything they want and end up paying a lot in the CTG. Usually you'll have to pay a higher price not to be taken ($10-$50).
If you're broke when stopped by the Buitres, tell them to follow you to the ATM, but always go in your car not in theirs.
* Never try to fight with a Buitre, It'll make things worst and they'll torture you. If you have the chance just shoot them.
* If you get caught for drunk driving and don't have the money to pay the Buitre, DON'T take the Alcohol - check (even if you're not drunk). It costs $50 (even if you are not drunk) and it'll be more expensive to get out of jail (even if you're not drunk).
* When a Buitre is directing (jamming) transit and orders you to stop, Shout to him "Ponte en Verde Buitre" (turn green) and he'll let you pass.
* When driving always keep a loaded firearm in the car. It may be handy for any discussion you can have.
* Night driving on Ecuadorian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a Bus attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the Bus is the driver, and the peg of illicit attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a thought. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a Bus approaching you with a single light on, usually the right one. It could be the left one, but never get too close to investigate.. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
* Bus drivers are the James Bonds of Ecuador, and are licensed to kill.
* Buses always have right of way. If they don't they'll crash at you.
* Bus drivers rule the CTG (no joke), and give daily contributions to the Buitres, so they'll always win in a legal confrontation.
* Always keep an eye for tips of fingers popping out of the window of buses riding the right-most lane, This means that they're going to turn in 6 lane 2 ways streets without looking behind.
* If you ever have the chance to kill a bus driver do it.
* Turn lights don't mean nothing, people never use them, so don't expect to see them.
Be prepared to yell obscenities at &/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path
* Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances. They will find a way to get around you. Hell, they should never have caught up with you in the first place.
You must master the art of tailgating. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention!
* Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.
Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. Your mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt.
* When caught in heavy traffic, if the light is turning to red and you are in a street cross, always leave your car so the cars coming the other way can't cross.
Most Guayaquileños do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
In Ecuador, Law is not perceived in the same way as in other countries. There are 2 reasons for this:
1.- Everyone does what they want regardless of what "The Law" says
2.- You can get in Jail for doing anything, that's not even forbidden in "The Law".
"Laws" in Ecuador are generally absurd and vague, and the legislative function (Judges) is CORRUPT as it can get. In any trial, money is all that talks, so the one that has more money, or the one that has more friends in high places is the one who wins. If you are an average Juan Piguave (John Dough). and you go into a trial. You are certain that you will end up in Jail no matter if you are guilty or not. So, the important thing is not to get caught in the first place. If you get caught. You will go to Jail (before the trail) and you don't get out until you bribe the Judge.
By law you can only be remanded in custody while, so if you do not hurry the trial (and pay the judge), after that time you go to prison, in the 80's and 90's was for an indefinite period without trial. This is true, in those times in Ecuador prisons were full of people who have no conviction and were for minor crimes or seized without a warrant.
Then in 2000 the law changed, you'd like a prisoner but only for a year, paid the judge and this is "delay" in processing your trial and as "fixed" so that prisoners were sentenced without trial forever, since you left after a year of staying at the peni (jail), whether killed, raped or sell drugs, THE LAW IS FOR ALL.
The offense was always economical amount of approximately $ 5 dollars, but a great idea of the assembly (the former Congress) now made last climb to $ 600 and more to be considered theft, this means that the thieves went to a home office and begin to make numbers with calculator in hand, each one could not spend the $ 600, that is, one carrying the sound equipment and another TV, if there was a computer as an assistant had to carry, so if the police caught were not prisoners, that everything that does not exceed $ 600 was a minor violation (currently trying to solve that stupid).
In Guayaquil, there are 3 types of policing: police general (National Police), traffic police (Vultures) and Metropolitan Police (Spartans):
The police is so corrupt and highly consistent with accepted standards of the country, but also stubborn and closed, their motto is "You're right but you prisoner" Chuick-Chuc-chuickchu-mote-with-meyoco (Serrano language, understandable). So if they catch you doing something that they say that it's not legal ,although you think it is (I'm not talking of crimes, I'm supposing you are just caught in a misunderstanding), talk to them kindly and DON'T ARGUE. Try to convince them the good way. Remember that if they catch you end up in jail long (unless you have lever [centralist bureaucratic connections]). Finally you can bribe them, but do it in a good way not to offend them, they're very poorly paid (let him be a pity), and its main motive is not take the money if they do not consider their work.
Buitres are another story. If they stop you it must be they are looking for money. Nothing else. They are going to invent some fictional crime and can put you in jail for good no matter what you have done or not done. Don't have any type of consideration for these "people". Ask them "How much do you wan't" they'll directly tell you their fee. Try to bargain a bit but anyway you'll have to end up paying them. Remember the name of the Buitre who caught you in case you get stopped again. In this case you should tell the other "I already paid N.N. this much in this place", and he'll call by radio and confirm that you already made your "contribution" and let you go. You can learn more on buitres playing my interactive game "Shoot the Buitre".
Metropolian Police, good ... our proud "Spartans," always dressed in blue with the Guayaquil flag at shoulder, ready to share anytime nightstick hard and ugly gays, transsexuals and transvestites kiss and fondle morbidly on reclaimed areas, are not thank God corruptible.
Needless to say, people with any political/economical power don't have to obey the laws. So don't try to get in any type of legal trouble with any one them or their friends. A friend of mine got in some legal trouble with another guy who was friend of a TV anchorwoman from Ecuavisa. She influenced the policemen who where doing the investigation and changed all the facts. He almost ended up in Jail, but lucky for him his father was a friend of a guy in the supreme court and he influenced the judge and got out.
So please be very careful with any legal problem in Ecuador because it can get out of hands and you can end up pretty bad.
Although drinking is per se an entertainment, sometimes you may want something more to lighten up your life. Here are some things I find particularly fun to do:
* Farm Animal Hunting.- If you are on a drinking frenzy with your friends in the country or the beach, it isn't a wise idea to waste your limited cash on food. A good way to solve this problem is to hunt for "wild" farm animals. Chickens are the easiest ones. They are numerous, easy to catch, easy to run with and you can hide them easily. My favorite is cows, they aren't as easy as chickens, you need at least a 9mm pistol or a 12 gauge shotgun, but a 7.92 WWII Mausser rifle isn't a bad idea. You also need a pickup truck and a couple of strong friends to lift it. If you can't get a cow, a donkey will do as well, I had an Argentinean friend who made a delicious donkey barbecue. Goats are easy to catch, just hit them in the head with a hammer. Choose young or female goats because grown up male goats have a bad taste. Pigs aren't a good idea, they can destroy your car, as happened to a friend of mine.
* Police Harassing.- This is a healthy entertainment for all young and old alike. Be sure just to use traffic police (Buitres or Vultures) for this, because common police (Burros or Donkeys) usually are better armed and have a shorter fuse.
Roof Walking.- This is a good way to maintain your physical condition while intoxicated. You never know how many interesting new things you can find on an unknown roof. The fresh air will also help you cleanse your lungs. Just Be careful just not to step on weak spots because you can break a knee and that REALLY HURTS, believe me.
* Shooting at Peoples Houses .- This is great fun to do, especially if the owner of the house just stole your girlfriend or a friend's. If the guy has a dog you can combine this suggestion with No. 1.
* Stealing traffic signs.- You can develop a hobby for this one. Classics are: "Stop", "One-way" and "No Bridge Ahead". They also make great birthday gifts.
Long Distance Calls.- This is a good way to save some money if you're getting drunk in someone else's house. You can keep in touch with old friends or call those adult entertainment numbers in Hong Kong.
* "Quebrar Tudo".- That's Brazilian for destroying everything. If your friends can't decide on what to do or where to go suggest this: "Lets go (someplace) drink like mad, and then we "Quebramus Tudo" (break everything). Be sure that your suggestion will be heard by your friends, and if it doesn't work leave at once and get new friends.
* Hair Dying.- This is really fun and will make everyone stay alert at least while they're conscious. Other variations of this practice are: Shaving (head hair, eyebrows, etc), gluing the arm pits with crazy glue, Tattoos, leaving the guy naked in a public place, etc. Just remember that when the guy awakes he will be very angry, so if he asks who did it say it was a big bad boy that came after he passed out.
* WOW! Parties.- This is a great entertaining suggestion you can combine with numbers 6, 7 and 8. A "WOW! Party" is a party where you don't know almost anyone, it's boring and you don't give a damn what people in it think of you. Parties of girls you have picked up are a great example of "WOW! parties". For all this reasons, you can release all your lowest impulses and perversions. Apart from shooting, "quebrar tudo", and making long distance calls, classic stuff to make on a "WOW Party" are: Find out where the expensive drinks are and finish them, Annoy the neighbors, torture and/or killing pets, throw the house out by the window (Literally), throwing firecrackers, go dressed with a raincoat (that's ONLY with a raincoat) and expose yourself to granny, propose marriage to 5 of the host's best friends, Food War, taking friends of recognized bellicosity, etc.... Imagination is your only limit. Remember the "Los Ilegales" Song La fiesta.
* Riding a bike in the Hospital.- If one of your friends gets injured while drinking and you have to take him to the Emergency Room, go visit him riding a bicycle, and enter the ER on it. Despite what doctors may say ER are designed specially for this. If this wasn't the case, Why then do they put bicycle ramps in them?.
Annoying the Police Chief or Warden.- If despite the precautions you take you end up in Jail, lighten your life bothering the Police Chief or the Warden. My favorite way to do this is singing the song Cataplum of Daniel Santos (Cataplum pa adentro anacaobero, a mi comisario no le gusta el bolero...). Generally all the other convicts will sing along, and believe it or not most police chiefs will get very angry on this.
* Giving bad Image.- What better way to have fun drinking than giving a bad Image?, Drink in public places, make scandals in public, bother the ladies and look for fights.
* People Hunting.- This is another sport that everyone likes. Don't use firearms, that's not what a gentleman does. Use a stick, barbed wire or my favorite A Hockey Stick.
Guayaquil is a city "accelerated" in every sense of the word. But life has a very own and the people here do things his way. maybe ... Different?, Special?. What you need to know is that first of all, before all, before anything and above any flag inherited or imposed, we are, were and always will be Guayaquileños.
Living in Guayaquil (and Ecuador in General) may be a Dangerous task if you don't know some simple rules that we take for granted in everyday life. That's not exclusive to Living here, anyway you go you may be killed if you try to behave as you do when you're Home, some examples:
* In India Look at a Cow and Say "Yummy, I want a Hamburger"
* In Canada Ask for Imported Beer.
* In the States when stopped by a Police officer step out of your car, with your beer bottle in one hand and a gun in the other and shout insults at him (preferably with a minority or foreign accent).
* In Colombia (preferably Medellin), walk in the streets.
* In Irak (or Iran) wear a I Love USA T-Shirt.
* And so on....
Although some of this stuff may seam funny, please take them seriously while you're here. But One rule to always keep in mind is IF YOU ARE AN OUTSIDER, PEOPLE WILL KNOW IT, so Don't try to act as a Native until you have the experience.
Basic Principles
Guayaquileños are kind people, very friendly and open, but if you give a sense of being lost, there's a high probability that We'll try to play a trick or cheat you, This is done not from being Bad, but for fun, so don't get angry. If you play a trick on us we won't get angry with you, we'll get angry with ourselves for letting you cheat us.
This comes from the mentality of "El Sabido" (The "smart" guy), El Sabido likes to be the winner always, break the rules, always wins, etc. But the key here is that he does it for the satisfaction more than for the benefit he can get on doing it. There are 2 ways on winning a Sabido. The first one is dangerous and I don't advice it for beginners. This is to be More Sabido than the other Sabido, I won't give details for this, because if you are Sabido enough to do it then you don't need to be told how. The other way is to take the fun out of being Sabido (remember the motivation is being wiser than another Sabido). El Cojudo (The Dumb guy) is the one that gets tricked by El Sabido, if you approach another guy Haciendose el Cojudo (pretending to be Dumb), He won't be motivated to cheat you (what's the fun on cheating a dumb guy), instead he'll help you (remember we are kind and friendly people). Don't feel dumb when you do this, because Hacerse el Cojudo is one of El Sabido's favorite tricks.
Also BEWARE when someone comes to you Haciendose el Cojudo, because he might be a disguised Sabido.
The concept of El Sabido gives birth to another Principle which I call "Cold War Principle". During the cold war years, USA and USSR knew that going into a direct war could bring disaster to humankind. We Guayaquileños accept that, knowing that a full confrontation between 2 people could end up more times in dead or severe physical injury than not. That's why most confrontations stop at the verbal or minor physical level. For example 2 people driving a car start to shout, the typical things, as that both will invite the other to fight, remember meeting each others mommy last night in a motel, stop the car and act as if they're going to get out to fight, but usually this stops there with one telling the other that he has pity of hitting him and the other one that he's a chicken (Peace with honor). Very few times one hits the other once, and the other chickens or hits him hard and the first one chickens. But please stop there. A bigger confrontation while very likely turn up with one or both severely injured or dead. A big percentage of people carry some kind of weapon, knifes, machetes, pipes, clubs, guns, etc and are prepotent. This and the pepudos (strong guys) are the ones that will most likely start a full confrontation, and even if you carry a better weapon (shot gun, automatic rifle), it's not polite to kill another guy for a stupid argument, unless you must have to.
General Rules
1.- When Someone TeCaga (defeats you), making you look like a cojudo, accept the defeat, don't get angry.
2.- El que se pica pierde (the one that gets mad looses). In an argument keep cool, you can shout, fight shoot, etc, but don't get mad.
3.- When Buying anything always Bargain, even if the price is lower than what you intended to pay. Start with a ridiculous offer. For example, if you're asked for $10 Dollars offer them $5. If he accepts at once (rare) don't buy it. Maintain your original price, usually they'll start offering you say $9,50, $8,50, and they'll stop at their first "last price" (say $5). At that moment go away, they'll tell another "last price" (e.g. $3,50) offer them something less (say $2,50) and you'll finish up in a middle price (say $3). I just saved you $7 Dollars, e-mail me so I can tell you how to give me 50% of it (my commission)
4.- Never use the mail, Anything you send by mail will get lost. Or arrive 2 years later.
Driving Rules
* Driving in Guayaquil can be a really pleasant experience once you get the feeling. International Traffic Laws (and some physical laws) don't apply when driving here, so please read this before you sit in a car.
* Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the right of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the left, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
* Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
* Adherence to International Road Rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
* We don't have street lights, you may see some that look like that in the intersections, but they really are Christmas lights that someone forgot to take out.
We have a different meaning for the street lights.
a.- Yellow: Accelerate and pass before it turns to red.
b.- Green : Stop and see both sides before passing, someone may be passing the red light.
c.- Red: In Ecuador you MUST stop in a red light. Specific exceptions are made only in the following cases: You are going to turn right, you are going to turn left, you are going to go straight, someone's honking behind you, you just feel like passing.
* Traffic Signs: Most Traffic signs are there for people to take them out for home decoration, They also work very well for making barbecue (just strip the paint before cooking). Somehow Stop signs are obeyed, but in a different way. If you have a stop sign, you must honk twice (or flash your lights) and proceed, If the Stop sign is in the crossing street, you must reduce speed, listen for any honking and then proceed. In any intersection, the one that honks first or the one who hits the break last has the right of pass.
* The road sign "YIELD" or a flashing yellow light have no meaning. You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.
* Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
* If you hit a pedestrian, run away. If you can't do it in your car do it running. People will most likely try to lynch you, specially if it was his fault. If someone approaches you shoot him and keep running.
* If you Crash into a house, leave the car there, people will take care of it, and put a chain so you can't take it out until you pay for the damage.
* Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just wakeup a dozing donkey in the middle of the road.
* Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while driving, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
* Traffic police are called Buitres (vultures). They are not meant to direct traffic, prevent accidents or any of those nonsense. They work for The CTG, Comercial de Transito del Guayas (Guayas Traffic Commerce), and their main job is to Collect money and produce traffic jams.
* If stopped by a Buitre, shout at it "Estas Mal Buitre" (you're wrong Vulture), no matter what he tells you. Any way he'll try to get money from you. Don't tell it you're not breaking any rule (that's not the point), tell it that all the other drivers are doing the same so why is he bugging you. If it doesn't want to come into reason, give him money (usually around $2-$5 will do). But if you are lucky and shout a lot he'll just let you go after insulting you.
* NEVER, NEVER, get into a Police car when instructed to. No matter what they tell you. They'll frame you and accuse you of anything they want and end up paying a lot in the CTG. Usually you'll have to pay a higher price not to be taken ($10-$50).
If you're broke when stopped by the Buitres, tell them to follow you to the ATM, but always go in your car not in theirs.
* Never try to fight with a Buitre, It'll make things worst and they'll torture you. If you have the chance just shoot them.
* If you get caught for drunk driving and don't have the money to pay the Buitre, DON'T take the Alcohol - check (even if you're not drunk). It costs $50 (even if you are not drunk) and it'll be more expensive to get out of jail (even if you're not drunk).
* When a Buitre is directing (jamming) transit and orders you to stop, Shout to him "Ponte en Verde Buitre" (turn green) and he'll let you pass.
* When driving always keep a loaded firearm in the car. It may be handy for any discussion you can have.
* Night driving on Ecuadorian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a Bus attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the Bus is the driver, and the peg of illicit attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a thought. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a Bus approaching you with a single light on, usually the right one. It could be the left one, but never get too close to investigate.. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
* Bus drivers are the James Bonds of Ecuador, and are licensed to kill.
* Buses always have right of way. If they don't they'll crash at you.
* Bus drivers rule the CTG (no joke), and give daily contributions to the Buitres, so they'll always win in a legal confrontation.
* Always keep an eye for tips of fingers popping out of the window of buses riding the right-most lane, This means that they're going to turn in 6 lane 2 ways streets without looking behind.
* If you ever have the chance to kill a bus driver do it.
* Turn lights don't mean nothing, people never use them, so don't expect to see them.
Be prepared to yell obscenities at &/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path
* Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances. They will find a way to get around you. Hell, they should never have caught up with you in the first place.
You must master the art of tailgating. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention!
* Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.
Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. Your mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt.
* When caught in heavy traffic, if the light is turning to red and you are in a street cross, always leave your car so the cars coming the other way can't cross.
Most Guayaquileños do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
The "Laws"
In Ecuador, Law is not perceived in the same way as in other countries. There are 2 reasons for this:
1.- Everyone does what they want regardless of what "The Law" says
2.- You can get in Jail for doing anything, that's not even forbidden in "The Law".
"Laws" in Ecuador are generally absurd and vague, and the legislative function (Judges) is CORRUPT as it can get. In any trial, money is all that talks, so the one that has more money, or the one that has more friends in high places is the one who wins. If you are an average Juan Piguave (John Dough). and you go into a trial. You are certain that you will end up in Jail no matter if you are guilty or not. So, the important thing is not to get caught in the first place. If you get caught. You will go to Jail (before the trail) and you don't get out until you bribe the Judge.
By law you can only be remanded in custody while, so if you do not hurry the trial (and pay the judge), after that time you go to prison, in the 80's and 90's was for an indefinite period without trial. This is true, in those times in Ecuador prisons were full of people who have no conviction and were for minor crimes or seized without a warrant.
Then in 2000 the law changed, you'd like a prisoner but only for a year, paid the judge and this is "delay" in processing your trial and as "fixed" so that prisoners were sentenced without trial forever, since you left after a year of staying at the peni (jail), whether killed, raped or sell drugs, THE LAW IS FOR ALL.
The offense was always economical amount of approximately $ 5 dollars, but a great idea of the assembly (the former Congress) now made last climb to $ 600 and more to be considered theft, this means that the thieves went to a home office and begin to make numbers with calculator in hand, each one could not spend the $ 600, that is, one carrying the sound equipment and another TV, if there was a computer as an assistant had to carry, so if the police caught were not prisoners, that everything that does not exceed $ 600 was a minor violation (currently trying to solve that stupid).
In Guayaquil, there are 3 types of policing: police general (National Police), traffic police (Vultures) and Metropolitan Police (Spartans):
The police is so corrupt and highly consistent with accepted standards of the country, but also stubborn and closed, their motto is "You're right but you prisoner" Chuick-Chuc-chuickchu-mote-with-meyoco (Serrano language, understandable). So if they catch you doing something that they say that it's not legal ,although you think it is (I'm not talking of crimes, I'm supposing you are just caught in a misunderstanding), talk to them kindly and DON'T ARGUE. Try to convince them the good way. Remember that if they catch you end up in jail long (unless you have lever [centralist bureaucratic connections]). Finally you can bribe them, but do it in a good way not to offend them, they're very poorly paid (let him be a pity), and its main motive is not take the money if they do not consider their work.
Buitres are another story. If they stop you it must be they are looking for money. Nothing else. They are going to invent some fictional crime and can put you in jail for good no matter what you have done or not done. Don't have any type of consideration for these "people". Ask them "How much do you wan't" they'll directly tell you their fee. Try to bargain a bit but anyway you'll have to end up paying them. Remember the name of the Buitre who caught you in case you get stopped again. In this case you should tell the other "I already paid N.N. this much in this place", and he'll call by radio and confirm that you already made your "contribution" and let you go. You can learn more on buitres playing my interactive game "Shoot the Buitre".
Metropolian Police, good ... our proud "Spartans," always dressed in blue with the Guayaquil flag at shoulder, ready to share anytime nightstick hard and ugly gays, transsexuals and transvestites kiss and fondle morbidly on reclaimed areas, are not thank God corruptible.
Needless to say, people with any political/economical power don't have to obey the laws. So don't try to get in any type of legal trouble with any one them or their friends. A friend of mine got in some legal trouble with another guy who was friend of a TV anchorwoman from Ecuavisa. She influenced the policemen who where doing the investigation and changed all the facts. He almost ended up in Jail, but lucky for him his father was a friend of a guy in the supreme court and he influenced the judge and got out.
So please be very careful with any legal problem in Ecuador because it can get out of hands and you can end up pretty bad.
Some funny things you can do while Intoxicated
Although drinking is per se an entertainment, sometimes you may want something more to lighten up your life. Here are some things I find particularly fun to do:
* Farm Animal Hunting.- If you are on a drinking frenzy with your friends in the country or the beach, it isn't a wise idea to waste your limited cash on food. A good way to solve this problem is to hunt for "wild" farm animals. Chickens are the easiest ones. They are numerous, easy to catch, easy to run with and you can hide them easily. My favorite is cows, they aren't as easy as chickens, you need at least a 9mm pistol or a 12 gauge shotgun, but a 7.92 WWII Mausser rifle isn't a bad idea. You also need a pickup truck and a couple of strong friends to lift it. If you can't get a cow, a donkey will do as well, I had an Argentinean friend who made a delicious donkey barbecue. Goats are easy to catch, just hit them in the head with a hammer. Choose young or female goats because grown up male goats have a bad taste. Pigs aren't a good idea, they can destroy your car, as happened to a friend of mine.
* Police Harassing.- This is a healthy entertainment for all young and old alike. Be sure just to use traffic police (Buitres or Vultures) for this, because common police (Burros or Donkeys) usually are better armed and have a shorter fuse.
Roof Walking.- This is a good way to maintain your physical condition while intoxicated. You never know how many interesting new things you can find on an unknown roof. The fresh air will also help you cleanse your lungs. Just Be careful just not to step on weak spots because you can break a knee and that REALLY HURTS, believe me.
* Shooting at Peoples Houses .- This is great fun to do, especially if the owner of the house just stole your girlfriend or a friend's. If the guy has a dog you can combine this suggestion with No. 1.
* Stealing traffic signs.- You can develop a hobby for this one. Classics are: "Stop", "One-way" and "No Bridge Ahead". They also make great birthday gifts.
Long Distance Calls.- This is a good way to save some money if you're getting drunk in someone else's house. You can keep in touch with old friends or call those adult entertainment numbers in Hong Kong.
* "Quebrar Tudo".- That's Brazilian for destroying everything. If your friends can't decide on what to do or where to go suggest this: "Lets go (someplace) drink like mad, and then we "Quebramus Tudo" (break everything). Be sure that your suggestion will be heard by your friends, and if it doesn't work leave at once and get new friends.
* Hair Dying.- This is really fun and will make everyone stay alert at least while they're conscious. Other variations of this practice are: Shaving (head hair, eyebrows, etc), gluing the arm pits with crazy glue, Tattoos, leaving the guy naked in a public place, etc. Just remember that when the guy awakes he will be very angry, so if he asks who did it say it was a big bad boy that came after he passed out.
* WOW! Parties.- This is a great entertaining suggestion you can combine with numbers 6, 7 and 8. A "WOW! Party" is a party where you don't know almost anyone, it's boring and you don't give a damn what people in it think of you. Parties of girls you have picked up are a great example of "WOW! parties". For all this reasons, you can release all your lowest impulses and perversions. Apart from shooting, "quebrar tudo", and making long distance calls, classic stuff to make on a "WOW Party" are: Find out where the expensive drinks are and finish them, Annoy the neighbors, torture and/or killing pets, throw the house out by the window (Literally), throwing firecrackers, go dressed with a raincoat (that's ONLY with a raincoat) and expose yourself to granny, propose marriage to 5 of the host's best friends, Food War, taking friends of recognized bellicosity, etc.... Imagination is your only limit. Remember the "Los Ilegales" Song La fiesta.
* Riding a bike in the Hospital.- If one of your friends gets injured while drinking and you have to take him to the Emergency Room, go visit him riding a bicycle, and enter the ER on it. Despite what doctors may say ER are designed specially for this. If this wasn't the case, Why then do they put bicycle ramps in them?.
Annoying the Police Chief or Warden.- If despite the precautions you take you end up in Jail, lighten your life bothering the Police Chief or the Warden. My favorite way to do this is singing the song Cataplum of Daniel Santos (Cataplum pa adentro anacaobero, a mi comisario no le gusta el bolero...). Generally all the other convicts will sing along, and believe it or not most police chiefs will get very angry on this.
* Giving bad Image.- What better way to have fun drinking than giving a bad Image?, Drink in public places, make scandals in public, bother the ladies and look for fights.
* People Hunting.- This is another sport that everyone likes. Don't use firearms, that's not what a gentleman does. Use a stick, barbed wire or my favorite A Hockey Stick.
Tomado de www.barcillo.com (c) Barcillo 1996-2009
(Barcillo no esta afiliado a este blog)
(Barcillo no esta afiliado a este blog)
So, you are corrupted, dishonest. Keep Guayaquil as a jungle..the kingdom of the monkeys hahaha
get a life bastard!!!!
Así que ya aprendieron a escribir en inglés, pensé que solo hablaban en Qichua.